Elena Margarita McCalla

9-18-99 In Class Writing

I was born and raised in Brooklyn and grew up amongst concrete where paranoia, crime and violence dictated my upbringing. Freedom was not available to me because being a woman meant being home before the streets contained no one. The idea of a "group setting" became very popular because it enabled me to venture out late with the security of having people around me, traveling with me, blanketing me-security-protection.

My daily commute into work was a suffocating feeling that began when I entered the subway. Suffocating as in having a heavy potato sack pulled down over my head until it reached my shoulders, then tied at the neck with twined and pulled so tightly to eliminate any air seeping through. Now the question to ask is whether the suffocation takes place at the placement of the twine or at the thickness of the sack over my head, eyes, nose, mouth. People are smashed together in the subway. It’s not glamourous and I never ended up next to a beautiful man that makes my senses palpitate. We are all confined within this subway car en route to work where the mood is tinge with a horrible distaste of disgust.

I needed a drastic change. Something so extreme and severe. Looking clear across the country, I settled on California. Everything was there and it represented the opposite of what New York held. Climate, land and people offered new avenues to explore.

After taking my initial trip out there , I decided on San Francisco and as I looked back now I laugh at the one thing that influenced my decision. L.A. was too perfect and while I was there I did not see one overweight person. San Francisco had overweight people and believe it or not that single "stand out in the crowd" attribute was my deciding factor.I returned to New York filled with a purpose and agendas. I set out to learn how to drive, saved money by living on scraps and in a rent free raw basement. In two years time , I was ready.

My mom, Jiffy (my best friend) and Aggie the dog (named after AgfaPan B/W ASA 400 film) were set to accompany me. Prior to our departure my few possessions were waiting for my arrival. The only obstacle left was surviving the drive across country with a dog (who I adored-dosn’t talk back) and two adults ( who meant more than life itself) packed into a Honda Civic Hatchback Automatic (with air and a roof rack).

The drive across was amazing and also a taste of reality. My mom named the drive "Sentimental Journey", while my best friend because of our bickering on driving styles decided on "Tempermental Journey". We took the southern route which took us through Chicago, Iowa, Wyoming, South Dakota.We saw land and farming, big open spaces where nature was still thriving. We went through Yellow stone Park where for the first time I say geysers and buffalo. I fell in love with nature, raw beauty untouched and not tainted by humans.

By the time we reached San Francisco, we were exhausted and it came from the driving and dealing with trucks on the highways-our adversaries. Stepping into my apartment was exciting for me because it was the final significant break from New York. I went for a walk with Aggie (named after the film), and got lost for 1/2 an hour. It was okay within my soul to because I didn’t feel the panic attack.

I lived in the Bay Area for seven years and my lifestyle drastically changed. I was free to go hiking into the woods without worrying, and I jogged around Lake Merritt without a second thought at 6:00 in the morning. Subways and busses were foreign to me and I truly appreciated that.

10-2-99- In Class Writing

The pleasure and freedom that came with owning a car was something that I saw other people experiencing. My friends, relatives who owned cars, secured their licenses at a young age and set out to conquer their environment. They were the "take control types that were not afraid of getting lost (refused to ask for directions), and would always have the uncanny ability of finding their way back. Driving in snow and rain was not a dilemma and driving upstate for sightseeing was an adventure to undertake with no consequences.

I, on the other hand was quite content being a passenger in their cars. There was no desire within me to learn how to drive and reading a map was an ignorance that I cherished. Relaxation was my reward in being able to sit back, roll down the window and put my hand out so the wind could play with it. Visual stimulation was in high gear for me when we would venture upstate. I could look around and take everything in, tucked away into the place that felt so good. My eyes were not forced to fixate on the road ahead.

At the age of 27, not out of desire, but necessity I got my driving license. After that came the purchase of my first car. I was venturing forth, leaving the state to a another place where cars ruled. Transportation equaled automobile.At first the new car did not bring the pleasure that I had anticipated. It was a pain in the butt. Instead of releasing this pent up burst of exploration at my new surroundings, conquering undiscovered land, it became a burden. I was put into the position of a servant satisfying the needs of a car. I was forced to learn how to follow street arrows to stop myself from driving the wrong direction on one way streets. Map reading became second nature to me and passengers in my vehicle released resentment because they were enjoying what I once had.

Seven years later I continue to drive. My friends and relatives are still driving and have the same enthusiasm about the process. Meanwhile my thoughts are constantly on selling that car, but I hesitate because I’m still waiting for that pent up freedom of adventure to come out and overwhelm me.

10-23-99-In Class Writing

Murder has become an event that leaves no room for surprise.I’m not shocked when I hear about it anymore but can only amuse myself at the situations that lead to it.

Robbery and murder are intertwined. If you’re the victim, you give up your possessions immediately in order to save your life. In most cases you end up becoming a murder statistic anyway. Atm’s are wonderful hunting grounds for robbers-usually with the same similar circumstances arrising.Murder over petty disputes cross the line but have occurred so frequently that it’s now an acceptable attribute of the city.

At the height of emotional anger, immediate gratification and resolution is sought to pacify and calm. A disturbed mind may sought that refuge by taking it a bit further and eliminating the problem all together. If two drivers are disputing over the right of way, is murder justified? Are fits of rage in domestic disputes grounds for murder? If someone accidentally steps on a foot wearing brand new white sneakers- is murder the spot remover? What leads someone to commit murder and then blame it on insanity problems?

Murder is redundant. Not a daily newspaper prints with out reporting one and there are some murders that are never discovered laying dormant waiting for discovery The ultimate consequence of this act should be remorse,but if insanity caused it how can remorse be experienced?