by Patrick Kwan
On a cold, windy night at a meeting of the Students for the
Education of Animal Liberation (SEAL) at NYU...
"Great! After two hours, we're finally done," says
Valerie, president of SEAL. "So, Lindsey, you will be working on the
literature for the primate campaign and Karen will be helping you on it."
A foul smell suddenly attacks the room. "OH NO! Is
it?.....is it?....could it be?...HIM!" shivers Karen. "AHHHHHHHHHH!!!"
The SEAL members scramble to a corner, hoping to escape their fate.
"WE'RE NOT DONE YET!" grumbles Adam. "I WAS
BUSY DICTATING MY INTERNS TO FILE AND REFILE THE FILES THAT NO ONE USES AT
WETLANDS."
"We just finished with the meeting. Lindsey and Karen
will be working on the literature for the primate campaign." asserts
Valerie.
"LET'S GO OVER IT." demands Adam, as he lays down
his twelve plastic bags, eleven beat-up books, ten copies of 'Revolutionary
Worker', nine U-locks, eight watches, seven appointment books, six pairs of
sneakers, FIVE containers of dumpster-dived "food", four court
appearance tickets, three boxes of literature, two rollerblades, ANDDDDD a
broom.
"But we already decided..." squeaks Lindsey. Adam
quickly interrupts Lindsey and bursts out the chilling words, "I WASN'T
HERE FOR IT! WE HAVE TO GO OVER IT AND TAKE A VOTE ON IT AFTER EVERYONE HEARS
WHAT I HAVE TO SAY!"
"The literature will have both moral and scientific arguments
against primate experimentation," explains the visibly shaken Lindsey.
"HOW MANY WORDS WILL THE MORAL ARGUMENTS BE AND HOW
MANY WORDS WILL THE SCIENTIFIC ARGUMENTS BE??" asks Adam.
The words sent a bone-chill to the terrified Karen, she
answers "we don't know yet. We haven't done it yet." Her voice still
coarse from her terror-filled cry.
"THE LITERATURE HAS TO HAVE DETAILED SECTIONS
EXPLAINING THE LANGUAGE CAPABILITIES, INTELLIGENCE, CULTURE CAPABILITIES,
TOOL-MAKING CAPABILITIES, AND GENETIC MAKEUP OF NONHUMAN PRIMATES. ALSO
SECTIONS ON HOW LABORATORY PRIMATES ARE CAPTURED FROM THE WILD AND BRED FOR
RESEARCH. A SECTION ON THE CONSPIRACY OF LISTING/UNENFORCEMENT OF THE
ENDANGERED SPECIES ACT ON LABORATORY PRIMATES. A SECTION ABOUT ANIMAL RIGHTS
AND SPECIESISM. A LISTING OF ALL EXPERIMENTS DONE ON PRIMATES. A LISTING OF ALL
EXPERIMENTS DONE ON PRIMATES AT NYU. A CHRONOLOGY OF PRIMATE EXPERIMENTS. A
CHRONOLOGY OF PRIMATE EXPERIMENTS AT NYU. A CHRONOLOGY OF PROTESTS AND ACTIONS
AGAINST PRIMATE EXPERIMENTATION AROUND THE WORLD. A CHRONOLOGY OF PROTESTS AND
ACTIONS AGAINST PRIMATE EXPERIMENTS AT NYU. A LISTING OF RECOMMENDED READINGS.
A LISTING OF RECOMMENDED WEBSITES. A LISTING OF RECOMMENDED
ORGANIZATIONS...........," says Adam.
"But the literature is only intended to be one
double-sided page," proclaims Valerie.
"WELL, BACK IN 3000 B.C., WHEN THE ANIMAL RIGHTS
MOVEMENT WASN'T EVEN AROUND YET,
()&(*#&$@*#&$*@#$*@#&$*(@#&$*&@#)*$&@#(*&$@)#*$&@#*$&@#(*$&@#*$&@#()*$&@#(*$&)(@#*$&()@#*&$()@#*&$()@#*$&()@#*$&()@#*$&@#*($&@#*(&$!_#%()$*%_()*#$%()#$*()@#&$()@#*&$)@#*(&$)(@#*%&)(@#*%&$()#*%&)@#(*$&@#()%*&%)*@&#$()@#*$&@#()%*&@%*(&@#%()*@&#$()*!@#&+%@#$_%(()$#%^*&)@#*($&)@#(*%&@#()%*&#()%*&@#()*$#@(*%&@()#$*%&$()*%&()$*%&$()%*&@#()*%&@#()*%&()@#*%&@()#*%&@()#%*&@#()%*&@#()%*&@#()%*&@#%)_(@#*%)+($*#%)_@#(*$%_@#()$*()!@#*&$()#!@*%+@)#(%*)_@#*%&_$@()&^_@$(&%^_@#()%&)_@#($_@#)%&_@#*(%&_)#$%_@#()*$%@#()%*_@()#$%*)_(#%*@#()_%*@#_()%*_@#()%*!@#)_$&(()@#&%^()$#*^@#+)$%(*!@#+$#$)_%(*@#*$%&@#()%*#_+@()$*@#_)%*(&@#_%*(&@#_%(*_@#()%*@#()%*@#_(%&()@#*$&(#)@*%&_@#()^&@#)_*%&@#)_($%&*_@#)(%*_@#()$%*@#)_(%&*_@#()^*@#+^*@#$)_($%*#_@()%*@#_()^*@#)_$(%*_#($%*_#$_#%(*@#_($@#_$(@#_()%*@#_(%_@#(%*@#_()%*_@#(%*@#_()$*@#_(%@#_(%*_@#()%*@)_#%(*@#_%(@#*_%()*#&)$^*%_+!@+,"
rants Adam.
A death spell has apparently been cast on the SEAL members.
Each has fallen into deep comas.
"NOW, LET'S TAKE A VOTE," commands Adam.
"SEAL HAS GOT TO GET MORE PEOPLE AROUND HERE! YOU ARE SIMPLY NOT DOING A
GOOD JOB IN RECRUITING AND RETAINING THE PEOPLE. THE THIRTY NEW PEOPLE WHO CAME
AT THE BEGINNING OF THE SEMESTER ARE ALL GONE!"
Each SEAL member suddenly became responsible for researching
on what Adam demanded for the literature.
"What will Adam be doing?" whispers Karen to
Lindsey.
"URGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!," grunts Adam. "I
HAVE TO UPDATE AND REUPDATE MY DATABASE, MAKE UP THINGS FOR MY INTERNS TO DO,
CALL ACTIVISTS OUT FOR LAST MINUTE DEMOS, FILE AND REFILE THE FILES AT
WETLANDS, DO MEDIA CALLS AND PRESS RELEASES ON EVERY LITTLE THING THAT POPS UP,
AND SOOOOOOO MUCH MORE. I HAVE SO MUCH THINGS TO DO AT WETLANDS! I HAVE A
JOB!"
Five hours after Adam began his reign of terror that cold,
windy night, the SEAL members were finally emancipated. Knowing that the
literature would never be done, the SEAL members wearily walked back home to
prepare for another useless meeting next week.