Adam Vs. God
by Frank Boardman
GOD: My son, i have come from on high to ask you a few questions.
Adam: Well, okay but make it quick, I have a meeting that I'm already late for of Friends of the Malacalaca Tribe in Northwest Brazil. Big corporations are limiting their dental health and we're gonna do a lock-down... but i guess you wouldnt care about that.
GOD: ok. Look, the thing is this: All life is sacred and i do my best to create beautiful things, be they beautiful on the inside or out. So everyone has some good traits and bad. But i think I may have been drunk or something the day I made you. I've been paying close attention and I cant figure out what I was thinking. What good points do you have? I'm pretty distraught about the whole thing.
Adam: I'm an expert on the ADL-tree, I only eat food that has been passed over by rats so I dont keep anyone from eating, Wetlands would collapse without me and then how would the five freakshow rejects get to write letters to foreign dictators?
GOD: I see, yes. Now, I've got to wonder about the survival skills that I've endowed you with. What sort of evolutionary benefit do you serve?
Adam: Well, it doesnt matter. i'm too busy to worry about women, so I'm not going to be able to pass my genes along, but if I did, I'm sure I'd help create a new super race of bubble-butted mole-people
GOD: interesting. what kind of an effect do you have on other people?
Adam: well, everyone likes me, except Justin Taylor. But he hates women and native americans. And then theres some other problems in my animal-rights group. Theres Chris, whos "too good" for garbage cans, Beth, whose breasts are falling out
GOD: what?
Adam: um, nothing. Then theres Frank who is a Nazi. no one really understands me except the mites that are growing in my hair.
GOD: I see, well, thank you for your time and i'm very sorry. I dont screw up that often.
Adam: Wait, i have to tell you about the movement to free all Portuguese prostitutes
GOD: No, i really gotta go, I've gotta go reveal myself in a cloud to the National Inquirer.
Adam: Wait, dont I get three wishes?
GOD: You're thinking of a genie, goodbye.