(Disclaimer: I fully support
the protection of insects, invertebrates, and any other sentient being. To discriminate against a roach, but not a mink
is the same mentality as someone who loves their cat, but sees a pig as
dinner. However, some of the stuff in
here is pretty damn funny!!)
Here is the Submission from
Adam’s old group, as it appeared in “In the Trenches” from No Compromise issue
3:
Update: Advocates for Forgotten Wildlife focuses on
animals ignored by the Animal Rights movement, invertebrates and cold-blooded
vertebrates. We investigated the use of
pesticides at a high school campus in preparation for a future campaign to ban
pesticides in school buildings and on school grounds.
We’re involved in insect trap
and transfer operations. AFW (should
stand for Adam Friggin’ Weissman because no one else in the world was a part of
this “group.”) has spent countless hours patrolling the streets during and
after rainstorms trapping worms that wash into the streets and walkways,
preventing them from being run over stepped upon, dried out, or from
drowning. (Countless hours?? Does he live in a tropical rainforest or not
know how to count?)
Recent rescues have been
trapping and transferring hundreds of flying insects from a glass-enclosed
stairwell where they would have starved, and trapping and transferring hundred
of ants from a water-filled garbage can where they were drowning. (Yeah
right. Adam was fishing his lunch out
of the can, and there just happened to be hundred of ants on the sandwich he
found. Ironically, Adam accidentally
ate several of the ants.) We are
currently researching the human impact upon dust mites and other sentient
invertebrates too small to be see (Adam can’t even figure out how to
organize a protest, yet he and his team of scientists have been doing
neurological studies on microscopic organisms.
I wonder if his findings were ever published in a scientific journal),
and scientific literature on sentience. (The sentence stops here)
This summer AFW will provide
businesses, individuals, and families with information on humane, effective,
environmentally sound alternatives to lethal forms of invertebrate “pest”
control, and will expand our focuses to include rodents as well. Literature is disseminated through
door-to-door canvassing, (LOL!! You
thought Jehovah’s were bad!! Picture
this- You are sitting at home with your family when you hear a knock at
your door. You open it to find someone
rummaging through your garbage with your lunch from last week in his right
hand, and a broom in the other. You
think to yourself, “Poor Booger. After
“Revenge of the Nerds 3” flopped, Booger has become homeless and now must eat
from garbage cans and go door-to-door panhandling. He hasn’t bathed in months.”
You then realize that Booger’s butt never looked quite so big in the
movies. Your husband runs to the door, “Oh my God!! Baba Booey!!! I love the
Howard Stern Show!” Adam takes the
moldy sandwich from his mouth, “I am not Baba Booey. I am Adam Weissman from the AFW.
Would you be interested in some literature on how dust mites are
sentient beings? It will totally change
your life. By reading this, you will
end up being just like me- maybe you will even end up with a website about
you!!!” Oh boy!) scheduled with
facility building directors, and through placement in libraries and
institutions.
Email Adam, and ask him for
some AFW literature today!
On a side note, I have
started a new AR group. We/I are called
Justin for Animal Rights (JAR). Here is
our submission for the next issue on No Compromise:
JAR has been very busy
lately. Recently, our only member,
Justin, was walking down the street and he saw an ant. Rather than stepping on the ant, Justin decided
to walk around the ant.
On the very same day, Justin
awoke to hear his cat meowing. Quickly
Justin ran to his biology laboratory and did some quick research. He concluded that his cat was hungry and
proceeded to feed his cat. His cat
purred soon thereafter. Justin formed a hypothesis that his cat was now
happy. He has been devoting all of his
time lately researching if his hypothesis is correct. All of Justin’s research will soon be available in the JAR
literature which will be available soon.
Either send us an email for a copy, or wait for me to come knocking on
your door. (HINT: Keeping a well stocked garbage can will get
my to your door faster.)
Finally, JAR received an
anonymous communiqué from the ALF on December 18th. The ALF stated that they recently liberated
4 worms from the driveway of an animal abuser.
As they were about to spray paint “ALF” on the side of the house, they
accidentally stepped on a praying mantis and quickly retreated. The ALF vows to strike again as long as that
family refuses to keep their driveway worm free.
(The above ALF communiqué is
entirely fictional)